 | Don Is Underappreciated Newsletter - These two kick ass
kids write this about once a week, and it makes me happy. E-mail them
at Don_News@hotmail.com. I'm
going to post their newsletters, because they're wonderfully funny. |
Don's Newsletter # 1
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* For the week of: october 27 - november 2 *
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This just in ... not signing up for Don's news letter is gay.
WANT TO PUT OUT A PERSONAL ADD?
-Meet litterally one's of people
-We don't mind horribly embelishing your looks
-Journalistic integrity is for pussies
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THE PAST WEEK THROUGH THE EYES OF DON
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DON FINDS THE CURE FOR THE COMMON COLD, THEN THE DUMB BASTARD
FORGETS IT
October 23, 2002
By Fred Savage
Last week I had the pleasure of witnessing that underappreciated
shell of a
man, Don, find a purpose to his life. In a fit of tears and
whining our
protagonist was quoted to say, "I'll find the [frickin'] cure for
the common
cold, fuckers". Shortly after his bold statement, Don was labeled
a
melodramatic whore and boo'ed out of the room. However the joke
was on
them! Don went to his room and mixed an elixer of poisens in
order to bid
the fuckers adieu. This concoction of liquid death mixed
perfectly to form
the worlds first CURE FOR THE COMMON COLD! Though he didn't die :
(, don
(who'se name won't always be capatillized) woke up in a mindless
stupper and
had forgot the effects of his now famous cure-all. In conclusion,
Don is
STILL alive.
On a side note, 'ascertain' is a cool word.
LEARNING PRACTICAL SPANISH WITH DON
October 27, 2002
By Jason Mewes
Su Mama es una puta famosa!
Your mom is a famous whore
La chucha es muy grande!
Your (vagina euphanism) is large
Yo tengo serpiente majica en mis pantalones!
I HAVE A MAGIC SNAKE IN MY PANTS
DON DISCOVERS NEW CHRIST-LIKE POSE
October 26, 2002
By Bob Saggot
After a futile trip to the movie theater in 26 degree weather
(Jackass was
fucking sold out!), Scott (the apostle) Meyer heroically helped
Beka down
from the mighty wall of literally tens of thousands of
nanometers. After
this truly inspirational act, the apostle struck a pose in which
he raised
both his arms high, to the heavens, keeping his index and pinky
fingers
reaching to the stars, while his thumb held down the more
quarrelsome middle
and ring fingers. In a moment of divine vision, Don realized that
this pose
was to be the new Christ-like pose. This "Rock on Christ" is
vastly
superior to the more depressing crucified Christ, and comical
Kevin Smith
"Buddy Christ". Clearly, God felt it necessary to change the
icons
associated with Him; and He felt that in order to arouse
Christianity in the
youth of America (and around the world), He must show them that,
He too, can
rock on like the badass mutha he is.
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DON'S STOCK PICK
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Hillenbrand Industries (HB) - Hillenbrand is living quite
fruitfully in the
death industry. They make coffins, urns, and even hospital beds
for that
'not-quite-dead-yet' demographic. And remeber, with all this
overpopulation, death only increases along with it. SOLID STOCK!
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QUOTE OF THE WEEK
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"Beer is good" - Don (under the influence)
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DON'S MAGIC HOROSCOPES
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Aries: (March 21—April 19)
A strange chineese man will offer you candy. REFUSE. He is a
rapist.
Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
Oooh I'm a Taurus. With that in mind, you will win the lottery
and receive
that giant check you have always dreamed about. Oh, and you'll
finally get
rid of the crabs.
Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
V D is in your future. Don't be a fool, wrap your tool. Also,
you'll
findly stand up to your mom because your SICK OF HER CALLING YOU
DONNY-WANNY
IN FRONT OF FUCKING EVERYONE!
Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
Cancer, ... you will contract lymphoma! Of course, a form of
cancer.
Though you will be upset at the disease, this irony will delight
you. Have
a good week.
Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
You find out that you are not just holding out for that special
someone.
Lara Croft is a fictional character. The new found knowledge that
you're a
complete loser will haunt you for the rest of your life. However,
you will
always rock at video games. You win some you lose some.
Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Last week, you found out that robbery is a lot more difficult than
it had
previously seemed. Now that you are in prison, you will become
somebodies
bitch. Enjoy this, as it will be your situation for a long time.
Don't
drop the soap.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
You (as opposed to everyone else (that is all those that don't
have the same
sign as you)) will have a good week. Haha, just kidding. I see
repetitive
failure in your future, ending with a soon to be infected head
wound during
your drunkin' weekend. Except for Scott Meyer, who will eternally
rock.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
You have no future.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
As you were watching the exciting conclusion to the worl series,
you will
realize that baseball is an incredibly boring game with infinite
time outs.
Disgusted by this realization, you will change to another
channel ... Oh a
vaccum slash pubic hair trimmer.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
DAMN THERE ARE SO MANNY FUCKING HORROSCOPES, we may never do this
again. OH
yeah, your future looks bleak. I AM AN IDIOT. and someone will
give you
flowers ... or something (we like our dot dot dots here).
Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
You have to order a new keyboard for your computer. That'll teach
you to
look at those kinds of sites (porn) while drinking hot chocalate
(with
marshmellows (the little kind though) - also the marshmellows are
delicious).
Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
Your week will be full of rainbows, puppies, and sunshine (after
the
rainbow). Also an old friend will renounce your formerly mutual
friendship
and form a new frindship with your formerly former friend. But
that former
friend (not the formerly former one) is an ass anyway, and you're
better off
without him/her.
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WHAT TO DO
write in with you're own question Don_news@hotmail.com
--------------------------------------
Q - What should I do if I'm bored and someone tells you that
toilet duck,
sugar, water, and aluminum produces an explosion? -curious dormy
A - Curious dormy, don't waist your time cutting up aluminum cans
and
gathering ingrediants for this phantom explosion; because much
like Strom
Thurmond getting an erection, it's not gonna' happin'. Instead,
waiste your
time playing with lighters and experimenting with how flamable
jeans are.
Q - My groove has been sub par recently how can I get that special
somebody
to notice me? - Nerdy engineer
A - I'm not fucking Ann Landers, but I'll help you out -seeing
that you're
so damn pathetic. You have to get her attention. Nothing says
romance like
a stary night, a warm fire, and a full moon. Show her your ass.
LAAATE.
Q - Taffy? - Scott
A - Oh, yes please. - Don
Q - Ahhh heeelllls no, my alcohol stream be full of blood. How
can I make
my saturday night better? - boring white guy
A - You, my friend, have combined alcohol and a previously boring
night.
Eradicate this problem by getting behind the wheel and showing
what a bad
azz driver you are, prefferably to many friends in the car.
However, you
must be careful while drinking and driving, as it is quite
conducive to
spill your drink. I'm not to worried about how many you kill, I'm
much more
worried about how much beer you spill. Cheers happy motorist!
Q - I'm just not sure, Don. Is death really the answer.
A - Shut up and die.
Q - Is Andy cool, we should motion at the next hall meeting. -
Homer
A - That's not a fucking question, but that will be our poll of
the week.
ON A SCALE OF ONE TO TEN HOW COOL IS ANDY (ten being cool)
Q - I like my mom - Andy err not andy Sexy-guy#21
A - Questions start with words like 'if' our 'what' and end with a
higher
voice and a question mark. I like your mom too. In fact, we were
rockin
the casbah two or three times last night. P.S. She doesn't like
you.
- editors note - Andy's mom is hot
Q - Do our cars use oil or gas. - Peru Guru
A - They burn gas for combustion and use oil for lubrication
(heheh).
--------------------------------------
POINT COUNTER-POINT
--------------------------------------
I'D RATHER BE CASTRATED THEN WATCH FUCKING WALKER TEXAS RANGER
Have you ever seen this show? It's ri-goddamn-diculous how
terrible it is.
How can you possibly be amused by Chuck Norris' brand of slow-
style karate,
and extremely poor storylines. I would definitely rather endure a
few
seconds of incredible pain involving the removal of my testicles
(which are
very important to me nonetheless) than endure a whole hour of the
crapstravaganza known as "Walker: Texas Ranger" which is more
painful than
castration could possibly be. For example, I never have, and
never will be
able to watch over 5 minutes of "Walker", and I do believe
watching an
entire episode would cause me to keel over and die due to the
incredible
terribleness emanating from its every scene. However, castration,
does not
cause death commonly. Therefore (i know all you engineers like my
semi-proof there) Castration MUST be a superior alternative to
watching
"Walker: Texas Ranger".
NUTTIES BEFORE NORRIS, MY TESTES ARE TOO IMPORTANT
While Walker Texas Ranger is A-1 Gay to the Max, castration is
bad. Nuts or
no nuts, there is no fucking question. Don doesn't mind losing
his testes
because he's a sado-masochist. I've seen him do some tripped up
shit just
to get it up. But I digress, testicles are very feely and can
produce some
REALLY nice sensations (None of which, I'm sure, Don knows
about). On the
other hand, I don't want children and wouldn't mind not having to
worry
about those damn sperm warriors. On the other other hand though
(the better
of the two), I don't think a man can get off without testes. Oh
yes, I went
there. This is Don News, not fucking Donnie and Marie Osmend (By
the way
that show sucks nuts -HAHA that kind of relates to my topic).
Basically it
all comes down to a simple weighing of options. In the good hand,
testicles
are good, they give me pleasure (err... that could potentially),
and
contribute to climaxation (climaxation is now a word). On the
other hand
(which I wipe my ass with- the shitty one), Walker sucks monkey
pole on a
cold stale night in the nether regions of gayosnia. Losing your
balls could
never outweigh the torture that is Walker Texas-loose-ass-Bastard
Ranger-faggot-guy.
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DON'S HOW TO BE A PLAYA' (PLAYER)
(don at the ASR show)
--------------------------------------
If your homey Storm wants you to skate board SCREW THAT!!! Don't
be tricked
by that whack shit. Show it the big shine brotha man, and move on
to the
next episode. Don is like the shwam-a-chameleon at the mac. He be
goin to
the bikini shop and all up in there. Sayin' he's not a buyer so
he can get
all the way live with that fly honey showin the goods. Remeber,
don't be
slurpin' on haterade yous gotsta be talkin' to your pimp bro,
brother. For
shizza my nizza Don be cruizzin to the warehouse to get his fly
mac up in
the HIIISSSHILLLS. His playa' sense is all the way on, with his
deep sea
pole realin' in the hotties. The Donster chose not to bust 'is
fly moves so
he could be cool with ladies and let his smooth schwerve do all
the talkin.
D-to the ON tried some phat fatty joints on these silky smooth
honeys, but
they aint havin none of that.... DEAD END BRO! Next his playa
sense, still
keen enough to have a chance with these fly females, brought them
the beers
... but there was no groove to be had there. Don goes home a
blued south
playa aint'a. But y'all knizzow that Don will be scoring like
Michael
Jordan next week. LAAAAAATE.
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DON'S RECOMMENDED
--------------------------------------
www.romp.com - for outlandish adult hummor (guys only)
www.theonion.com - because it's fricking hillarous
Ninja Turtles - the teenage mutant variety is very entertaining
Aqua Teens Hunger Force - It doesn't get any funnier than Master
Shake
Office Space - Because work sucks, seriously
www.penny-arcade.com - NERDS UNITE! <freakin' nerds>
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DON'S ANTI-RECOMMENDED
--------------------------------------
Army of darkness - It is the half breed of a pile of shit and
another
larger pile of shit
The way Scott was treated at Bob's place on the morning of october
27 -
to the employees: may a thousand locusts infest your
pants
Walker Texas Ranger - A worse show has never existed and likely
never
will. If I could choose flaming death or Walker
Texas
Ranger, I'd choose casteration
Boston Public - Whooo I have an idea for a show, let's take what
happens
in real schools and put it in our own show every day.
Yeah, five kids were shot last week. A racial slut
was
yelled at a teacher. One student had intercourse
with a
teacher. This must be the most unfortunate school
ever.
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READER POLL
--------------------------------------
ON A SCALE OF ONE TO TEN HOW COOL IS ANDY
1) Toilet Duck and its clones
5) Your dog dies, but you get a new cooler one
10) The Fonz (when he was younger, and HOT)
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ANDY'S PICK UP LINES
--------------------------------------
- Would you like to come back to my place for pizza and sex. <NO>.
What?
You don't like sex?
-Are your parents retarded? because you're special.
-Your boobs look good, especially with my dick between them
=INCESTUOUS LESBIANS ARE COOL !!! So says the Don. Don's Newsletter # 2 /********************************************************\
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* TEXT ART TAKES TOO FUCKING LONG *
* D.U.A. *
* Don_news@hotmail.com *
* For the week of: november 3 - november 9 *
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* CHECK OUT THE OFFICIAL WEB SITE *
* If you're on the u of i network go to http://beast *
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This just in: only Fun-Nazis don't subscribe to this newsletter
On a side note: swing by ballard rm109 to sign up or just E-mail
On another side note: Don will try to hit on you if you come by
On yet another side note: he doesn't care if you're a guy or girl
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\/ WANT TO PUT OUT A PERSONAL ADD? \/
/\ -Meet literally one's of people /\
\/ -We don't mind horribly embellishing your looks\/
/\ -Journalistic integrity is for pussies /\
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
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THE PAST WEEK THROUGH THE EYES OF DON
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COTNLAA, DON POPULARIZES NEW INTERNET LINGO
- by Not-Don
COTNLAA - Check out this new long ass acronym
FMN - FUCK ME NOW (must always be in caps)
LOLHOITE - Laugh out loud, hilariously, on into the evening
DLOLHOITE - Don't laugh out loud on into the evening
GTH - Go to Hell or Good tits honey
YMIFH - Your mom is fucking hot
MSIFH - My sister is fucking hot (referring to scott's sister)
SIMB - So is my brother
FUCKU - Nice hair
IHNOFX - I (heart) NOFX
SYIHCS - See you in hell cock smoker
VAITFS - View Askew is the fucking shit
SQUIRTS - Speak quite unified intellectual retardation talk sista
DNLRS - Don's news letter really sucks
YRSIYTDNLRS - You really suck if you think D.N.L. really sucks
27% OF ALL UNIVERSITY OF IDAHO RESIDENTS DRINK AND DRIVE
- by Robert Downy Jr.
Who likes math? Have you seen those posters around about how 73% of UI students don't drink and drive? Doesn't that seem like quite the dismal statistic. According to the argonaut, or as I like to call it: the shitty news paper, there are 11,949 students enrolled at the good ol' University of Idaho. Soooo, (I think you know where this is going) 73% of 11,949 is roughly 8722. 11,949 student's are enrolled to the University of Idaho, 8722 don't drink and drive ... FUCKING 3226 U OF I STUDENTS DRINK AND DRIVE! OVER THREE-GOD-DAMN-THOUSAND! Word to the wise: be careful on the sidewalks, especially during the weekends. I'm not supporting drunk driving or anything (though I'm not overly against it - as long as you don't spill your beer), but if you're going to put out statistics to promote sobreity make sure they support your cause. You heard it here first, 3226 U of I students drink and drive. You're not alone. HAPPY DRIVING!
RICHIE CUNNINGHAM GOES ON HAPPY DAYS OF MURDER
- by Kermit the Frog
The world of uber-friendly T.V. was turned upside down this week when richie cunningham killed half the staff of happy days. The fantasy world of seventies sunshine had a cloud of death lingering over it on wednesday. That very day Don was quoted to say, "WHO THE FUCK IS RICHIE CUNNINGHAM." In response, Scott Meyer slapped his ass silly, but not in a gay sort of way (more like viking style). The media then asked the Fonz himself for comment. His coolness responded by saying, "Eeeehhhhh [with his thumbs pointing in opposite directions]." When asked what the hell he meant by this, Fonzie paused, looked side to side, and repeated "Eeeeehhhh" in the same fashion. Before the days deeds were done, thirty-six lay dead and disembowled on the bloodstained set. Using forms of freaky murder, previously only known to horror movies, Richie surpassed the Manson family and Jeffrey Dohmer in the all time fucked-up-person top ten list. Combining a chainsaw massacre style with midevil tactics Richie Cunningham has set a whole new standard for being a fucked up person. In my personal oppinion however, the cast and crew of H-appy Days can burn in hell.
SALUTE TO PRACTICAL JOKES
- by Raab himself
Everyone likes a good practical joke from time to time. That special brand of harmfully mean humor just appeals to the very fiber of my funny gland, or something. Here are some past practical jokes that the Don news crew has compiled to bring a little giddy into your otherwise dismal life.
(1) THE QUADRATIC EQUATION -by Don
So you're a nerd and a hellraiser? These two qualities actually can coexist! (ask me how)... (do it)... (please)... (i fucking dare you) How? (whew, this article was just saved) Why just spray paint your favorite math equation somewhere. Remember OGG (original geek gangster), don't let the Crips and the Bloods have all the fun. On a side note, you won't ever forget the equation you spray paint --> negativebplusorminusthesquarerootofbsquaredminusfouracallover2a.
(2) FART POWDER -by the Andy
I ate some fart powder, it made me fart, it tasted like oranges, i felt very flagelent, girls were turned off, i farted a lot, it was bad; the end.
(3) TOOTHPICK THROUGH THE THROAT -by Scott
Have you ever flipped a toothpick vertically in your mouth? It's pretty hard to do (I've done it). Anyways, this one time when I was flipping a minty toothpick in my mouth, because I'm a bad azz like that, my jaw kind of popped out of place - kinda of like you got something to big for your mouth and it hurts really bad, like a pe...pencil or something. Anywhooo ... whilst I was in that state of agony Don punched me in the throat and the wood splinter I was previously flipping went through my esophagus. EVERYONE WAS LAUGHING, IT WAS SOOOO FUNNY. Even I was busting a gut. In fact, my insinuating bloody laughter coughs got the whole table bellowing out of control. To this very day, every time I see a toothpick, I remember all that laughter and my throat surgery. Good Times.
(4) THAT TIME I PUSHED DON OFF THE ROOF -by Scott
HAHA. I can't even ... haha ... mention this without ... HAHAHAHA ... laughing. It was so freaking funny, it was just me and him sitting on the roof of the Wallace complex. I'd come up with this clever idea, while we were both drunk, to lead him up there by telling him there was a society of nerd loving hotties living on the roof. So when we get up there Don was all like, "WHAT THE FUCK, THERE ARE NO HOTTIES HERE." Then I pushed him off the roof. The little pussy screamed all the way down, he was all "AAAAHHHH SHIT I'M GOING TO FUCKING DIE". I was laughing so hard I nearly fell off the roof myself. That was probably the greatest moment in my life, and I think Don would definitely agree.
(5) THAT TIME SCOTT FUCKING PUT ME IN THE HOSPITAL -by Don
Ooh, a broken arm, why that's one hilarious practical joke, isn't it? you sick, sadistic, son of a bitch. You'll pay. How about this for a practical joke, I drop a brick on your head. Maybe you'll even think it's funny after you lose all your upper level thought capabilities and all you're able to do is smile, drool, and soil yourself.
SHUT THE FUCK UP (based on actual transpiring) 11-2-02
- by Don (while playing 'graduation 2' on the romp.com (an immature 'mature' game (you will be reading about it later (i have used way too many parentheses for one statement (it's like a fucking math problem here (not a math problem actually about fucking, but you get the idea)))))
Don: Mom, I gotta go
Mom: What are you doing
D: uhh, I got some homework to do
Scott: PORN!
D: yeah, so I'll call you back
S: Tell her how you're looking at porn
M: When?
D: uhh, In about and hour or so
S: After he's done looking at porn
D: Bye Mom
S: CHILD PORN!
<click>
D:FUCK YOU SCOTT
<elsewhere>
M: That makes two of us
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THIS WEEK'S PERSONALS
--------------------------------------
Give a shout out to one of these hotties at Don_news@hotmail.com
Man seeking fun loving female. Doesn't have to be good looking or fully sane, in fact the dumber the better. I'm a 5'10" squirrelly built white guy with interests in biology, and love making. Let's face it, chicks dig scrawny white guys, and I'm their king. Legally insane, disfigured, obscenely overweight, or even those of you with hideous scars, I'm A-1 desperate to the max and willing to pork anything. LAAATE. - Player_extreme_#69
Looking for a young female. Possibly even underage. Possibly even male. Must be willing to kick back a few unmarked drinks. Also must be able to keep (or repress) a nasty, horrendous, emotionally scarring secret. Hey, I have Candy! - That big purple dinosaur you kids love
Looking for a six foot four almost supermodel? Looking for long sensuous walks through campus? Want to hang out in the commons with a raging love beast? Feel his love piston bruise your cervix! Do you have a pulse? Are all your appendages intact? Or at least all the important ones? He's looking for a hot young lady to be his seductive mistress. - Andy (no not Andy ... um ... ThePapaJesus)
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DON'S STOCK PICK
--------------------------------------
PLAYBOY (PLA)
-playboy is an on-the-rise company, with great growth potential. This no hard sell. At the rate it's growing, it's bound to climax soon. It's currently at a little over 7 and a half (7.84) and with further inflammation in the future. Playboy has been around for years, showing it's experience and longevity - with it's innate ability to come back time after time and satisfy us. In long the stock is an up and comer. Ask yourself a question, "Is playboy a good buy?" "YES YES ooooohhhh YEEEESSSSSS".
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QUOTE OF THE WEEK
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"A kitty dies every time someone masturbates" - Don (the kitty killer)
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DON'S MAGIC HOROSCOPES
--------------------------------------
Aries: (March 21—April 19)
Romance and erotic pleasure are in your near future. Your roommate will not see your lonely self if you keep the covers over your head. Enjoy the show!
Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
You will injure yourself in an embarrassing manner. People are not likely to believe your arm scar is from a shark bite. Be more careful with the future high-fives.
Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
Your math grade seems to be a function inversely related to the time (t) that you miss class. Your dumb ass cannot solve this equation, so your grade will never improve. Despair not, erotic films are in your future - gay ones.
Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
Stay away from carnies. That's just good advice. This next week will present you with several challenges. Try to remember that you simply can't drink a whole gallon of milk.
Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
-This one is written by Andy, who has no official background in astrology, but he's fucking cool - The stars' configuration tells us that if you don't wash the bathroom floor gangreen will infect your feet and your toenails will fall off.
Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Ignorance is bliss, and your quite the happy person. Put two and two together.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
Your friends will call you a fountain of retarded ideas. Just run with it. Also, don't eat the cheese in the fridge. Green is not a natural color of cheese.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
Don't let anyone offer you math tutoring. That's just my friend Jim. He's a pervert.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
You will take a trip to lake Titicaca and be very disappointed. Also, you will get there through the grand Tetons (GET IT). Either way, if landscapes arouse you, you've got bigger problems.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
You will mistakenly receive a copy of the AARP (American association of retired persons) magazine. You will find yourself strangely aroused while thumbing through the pages. Though initially confused and disgusted by this, you will decide to make the best of the situation by taking a trip to the Bingo parlor.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
You WILL respond to the personal adds and start a quick lustful romance. Though bewildered by the experience you decide just to go with it while not letting anyone know about your dirty little romance.
Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
You will experience uproarious laughter when you witness someone slip on a banana peel. Unfortunately, it is your grandma who slips. Even more unfortunately, this occurs at your grandpa's funeral. Welcome to Blacksheepsville, population: you.
--------------------------------------
WHAT TO DO, WITH DON
write in with your own question
Don_news@hotmail.com
--------------------------------------
Q - What do recommend for jock itch. - six foot man stud
A - Scratching. Scratching usually does the trick, and it's enjoyable. While your down there ... you might as well pleasure yourself. It's ok, no one is looking.
Q - Why does Don look so funny - concerned dormy
A - Because his ethnicity isn't strictly homosapian (i.e. his mom and a goat) - Scott
Q - How exactly does one go about performing a roommate-ectomy?
- Tall and handsome
A - First try planting goat heads (impaled, of course) around the room, if your roommate gets those damned scented candles then you have a right to the goat heads. If that doesn't work, wait till everyone is asleep and enter the room with a gallon of gasoline and a lighter. When the room is good and saturated, send the hell spawn back from whence he/she came. If all else fails, invoke the dark lord Satan. A soul is a small price for a good smiting.
Q - Why do computers hate us? -Engy girl #112
A - We're a threat to their slowly forming perfect society. However, during the great robot wars some of us will fall in favor of the computers. By putting our brains in robot bodies we can all collectively crush the human resistance. PLUS YOU'LL HAVE THE STRENGTH OF FIVE GORILLAS.
Q - No. -Andy
A - I swear you'll like it.
Q - What is the tensile strength of ceran wrap in kilo-Pascals?
- Too much time on my hands
A - That's the square root of "get a fucking life" ... kilo Pascals.
Q - Why does the engineering hall smell so bad? - Scott
A - Because you touch yourself at night.
Q - How do I get rid of my obsession with Walker, Texas ranger? Isn't Macgyver just as bad of a TV show?
- ashamed Walker fan
A - Macgyver is an awful, awful show, but Walker is the TV equivalent of drowning in a boiling pot of feces and vomit in hell - it just doesn't get any worse. There are 2 ways to go about the old Walkerectomy: 1. gouge your eyes out and jam pencils in your ears, or perhaps you'd prefer 2. a bullet to the brain. I'm sorry, I don't make the rules of nature, I just abide by them. Whatever you do, do NOT procreate - the world cannot stand another Walker fan.
Q - Hells no -still Andy
A - PLEASE!
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POINT COUNTER-POINT
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CANDY CORN!? MORE LIKE CANDY CRAP!!
Well well well halloween fans, i hope you enjoyed your holiday full of fright, parties, and, of course, delicious candy. Candy is almost universally good. Almost. Unfortunately, I think we all know about that piss-poor-poser know as candy corn. What the fuck is this shit? When I used to trick-or-treat (alright, it was this yr., i can't lie), I'd qualitatively separate my bounty. You know, chocolate first, hard candy next, then some gum if there was any, then you gotta figure out something to do with the fucking candy corn that was inevitably left over - because there's no way you're gonna actually eat that shit. Shove it up your friend's nose (it is the proper shape, after all), throw it at random people, feed it to the dog; the entertainment you get out of it is far better than the indigestion it gives you. Remember the first time you tried it? I do. I was understandably stoked and thought it was rad (words used at the time) when candy was offered to me. Then i tasted it. I had clearly been tricked. I looked at my mom with this 'why the hell would you tell me i was getting candy and then not give me candy?' look. Then I gave her the finger. And, indeed, whoever truly thinks candy corn belongs in the candy category deserves the finger. Come by (room 109) with this opinion I will gladly set you straight with the bird. Unless you are Jake. If you are Jake, I've been meaning to tell you that this article was written by Scott Meyer.
HATING CANDY CORN IS LIKE HATING YUMMY!
WHAT THE FUCK! IS HE FUCKING KIDDING? Everyone, outside of demons and the Olson Twins, like candy corn. Sugar is good, correct? Of course, I'm correct. Sugar is that sweet nectar that makes eating worth getting fat and overweight. Furthermore, candy corn is sugar. Hence candy corn is the manifestation of good. So what kind of strange good-hating mother fucker doesn't like candy corn. I'll tell you who. That twisted goat-rapist Don. Let's summarise. Don hates good, rapes goats, and worships the devil (his freaky goat head shrine is really stinking up our room). Conclusion, Don is the Anti-christ. There is even more evidence to support my conclusion. For instance, corn is a symbol for harvest and prosperity. The vegetable is sheer embodyment of fortunate happening. Of course, Don is completly anti-corn, or in other words anti-prosperity ... kind of like ... mmmmm ... SATAN! Coincidence, I THINK NOT. Also, a good give away is when his head starts spinning around. FUCK DON, FUCK HIM UP HIS STUPID ASS.
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DON'S HOW TO BE A PLAYA' (PLAYER)
(graduation 2)
--------------------------------------
It's booty call time. Don is chillin' with his home slice dre. It's Dre's graduation dizzay, and ya'll know that means plenty of happy women (what what). It's a playa's job to make them even happier. Don heckled a girl who was trashed out of her mind about who she banged last night - shit that wasted bitch had it commin'. Now Don's gotta help Dre become jedi pimp like a good master of the fucking fuck force. Dre went on to get a random girls digits (the true test of jedi awareness), leaving Don all alone to hit on a sweet ass poem chick. Shit yo, you knows Don totally put the moves on the Dean's super fine daughter, who no one has gotten on (but she's never met a jedi fucking pimp MAAAAASTER). Then Don and Dre decided to go steal another colleges mascot to attain true jedi pimposity. The pimp masta himself got his Jedi fucking mac on by visualizing Yodi with a joint and a fly space chick on his long schlong dong. THE JEDI PIMP CONTEST HAS BEGUN. Don and Dre decided to kick a dude's ass and steal the rival school's mascot, and then he schnoop schnoop WAAAHHHH JEEEEDDDI kick the dude's legs out from under him and knocked his candy ass out. Scar face showed up to commemorate the two big donged jedi fucking pimps. The golden condom was brought out to honor the Jedi pimps and their sole purpose to go out and get all them honeyz throughout the universe craving the jedi light saber. It was then official, Don and Dre are in fact jedi motha fuckin' pimps. Don then got back on the Dean's daughter who said she wanted to lose her cherry to a fly mother fucker, Don just busted out the X and that fly bitch was all over his Jedi extendo large ASS light saber. College is hella rad. But yo, Don can't be takin' her back to the frat house, sheeeit the X will wear off by then. Don's jedipimpin skills fizzailed him. But all is not lost, pimpin fans. You just gotta choose to get bizzay with the Dean's daughter behind the stage at graduation. The entire school then watched Don stick his diploma where no man had ever been. THE DAY WAS COMPLETE, DON IS THE REAL FUCKING JEDI PIMP. LAAATE.
HOW NOT TO BE A PLAYER
by Scott
When you've finally worked up the courage to ask that special someone to share an evening on the town with you, you're half way to failure. Start off by walking her twenty minutes in the rain sometime in the 28 degree night. Wait till she's cold and angry before mentioning that you're going to see "Jackass" at the movie theater (which is hella-good movie). Fester the hatred further by leading her into the exceedingly long line to get into the movie she doesn't want to see. Hopefully, at this point, you've already fucked up any chance of a second date. Nonetheless, to insure your demise her beautiful eyes try to be short a dollar. When that embarrassing silent moment inevitably initiates, try to fill it in with a joke about dead babies. Then, after she slaps you, offer to take her back through the pouring rain to end the date. Happy failure!
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DON'S RECOMMENDED
--------------------------------------
www.romp.com - for outlandish adult humor (guys only)
www.theonion.com - because it's fricking hilarious
http://www.laughnet.net/archive/jokes/deadbaby.htm - heh, dead babies
Jalepeno pretzels - HOLY SHIT, you've got to try one of these devine treats of the mexican gods. Their perfect blend of jalepeno and Yum makes for an exciting late night meal. After 9:00, do yourself a favor and carry your ass over to the late night grill for your very own party in a pretzel. YOU WON'T REGRET IT!!! ($1.75)
Marshmallow Maties - The official cereal of pirates, a better cereal doesn't exist. Arrrggghh, eat the marshmallows you scurvy knave.
Idiomatic - Don's vocabulary word of the week. Characteristic of native speaker used characteristic of or keeping with the way a language is ordinarily or naturally used by it's native speakers.
Telling people about Don's news letter - share the love, like a true jedi pimp
View Askew - Jay and Silent Bob kick ass, snoogens
http://maddox.xmission.com - It's really funny just check it out
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DON'S ANTI-RECOMMENDED
--------------------------------------
www.htomail.com - someone should buy this url, and make it a porn site.
Not accepting Andy's Bob's Ass idea - It would be soooo funny.
wearing visors upside down and sideways - can you fucking see yourself?
The Olson Twins - They need to die, coming out next letter.
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READER POLL =OLD=
Give a holler to Don_news@hotmail.com
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ON A SCALE OF ONE TO TEN HOW COOL IS ANDY 1) Toilet Duck and its clones 5) Your dog dies, but you get a new cooler one 10) The Fonz (when he was younger, and HOT)
ANDY IS A 9.1 AS FAR AS COOLNESS IS CONCERED (I'm told he's a perfect 10 in bed- a little side note for you ladies).
Thanks for responding everyone! Andy is feeling pretty good, but I'll try to correct that.
Andy would like to thank all the little people that are less cool than him. UI FOOTBALL RULES!
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READER POLL =FRESH AS A DAISY=
Give a holla to Don_news@hotmail.com
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Write in with your favorite nickname for Odo.
like: Semi-odomatic rifle
odo-erotic asphyxation
ODO sight
It's odo here.
odoooo it's odo
It's a odo-mobile
I had an odomobile accident
Let's get on the odo-bahn
Park it in the Odo-garage
and so on
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ANDY'S PICK UP LINES
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You look just like my mama. I love my mama.
Your clothes would look better on the floor
Let's play army. I'll lay down and you blow my head off.
My personal hygiene has been rated online as a B+.
My penis is six inches, around ... think about it.
You look pretty hot, is your mom available?
Do you have a sister who's not a bitch?
You'll do.
You look kinda short, do you get off easy?
Yous guys down with some big toe sex?
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TOP TEN
THIS WEEK: DEAD BABY JOKES
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-editor's note- Read the question, pause, then read the answer
10- What is blue and yellow and found at the bottom of a pool? A baby
with slashed floaties.
9- What is green-black and yellow and found at the bottom of a pool?
The same baby three weeks later.
8- How do you make a dead baby float?
Two scoops of ice cream root beer and a dead baby.
7- What's grosser than a hundred dead babies in a dumpster?
One is still alive
6- What's grosser than that?
It's eating it's way out.
5- What's grosser than that?
It ate it's way back down.
4- What's worse than a dead baby in a trash can?
A dead baby in 7 trash cans
3- What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds Mature.
2- What is the difference between a 100 bowling balls in a river and a
100 dead babies in a river?
You can't get the bowling balls out with a pitch fork.
1- Why did the baby fall out of the tree? It was dead.
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TECHNOLOGY HATES YOU
--------------------------------------
=(don vs. the Realone player)=
No, what the hell are you doing!? Whenever you fucking decide to play the CD for some fucking reason I can't burn it! Damnit, you opened on your own, fucker! Now, once again I'm gonna have to open the CD drive and close it back up like a fucking idiot even though you're the one who fucked up! Aw fuck no! You did it again, fucker! All the other music players are chill like "yeah, sure we'll play your music if you want, we can do that", but no, you're the fucking music nazi and you're all like "YOU'LL LISTEN TO THIS CD ONLY THRU ME, NO OTHER APPLICATION WILL DO! SIEG HEIL!" You fucking faggot. If you were a person I would've kicked you in the groin numerous times. They'll save a special spot for you in hell, fucker!
=Scott vs. internet explorer=
(Time to go check my email). (G-A-Y-F-A... shit Don is here, quick close the window). (Looks like I'll have to open my hetero email). "Off to hotmail it is". (SHIT I spelled htomail). (Oooh that's a gay porn site). (SHIT DON SAW IT ... quick make a gay-bashing joke). "Uh homosexuals are gay". (DAMN! THAT WAS FUCKING RETARDED). "I hate fags"! (SHIT! now I look totally guilty). (Quick, change the subject). "How's about those village people". (FUCK FUCK ...). "Hey Don let's look at some seductive heterosexual porn". (Smoooth). <LATER> "Well that was fun, back to hotmail". (I like how internet explorer finishes the urls for me). (FUCK it sent me to htomail). "CURSES, THE POX ON YOU AND YOUR KIND". If the internet site you type in doesn't exist, internet explorer shouldn't save the url; and I'm not gay.
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GREG'S MATH CORNER
E-mail Don_news@hotmail.com with your own questions
-edited for mature content-
--------------------------------------
Because you know math is sexy
I have been asked what the purpose of a power series is. For those of you who don't know what a power series is, many define it as Hell. This is a very accurate description. I truly knew fear when my Differential Equations teacher said those words "today we will apply power series." A power series is basically an infinite number of additions. For example, e^x is 1 + x/1! + x^s/2! + x^3/3! . . . and so on and so on, an infinite number of times. Now that the basics have been covered, what are they good for? Have you ever caught yourself saying "My God, I just cant take that integral, whatever shall I do????" I hope you answered no. If the answer was yes, and you had WAY to much time on your hands, you could convert the equation into a power series then take the integral of that power series. This will most likely be an easy integral, especially in comparison. The trade off is getting the function into a power series is very annoying. So, use one of a power series is to take hard integrals if you have too much time on your hands. The second use, this one from Differential Equations is in solving these. Take the equation y"-xy'-y=0. To solve this you must get a generic power series, take derivatives, plug it in, and solve for the coefficients a0 and a1. These are multiplied by other power series, even uglier power series. So to sum up, I bet that you didn't want to know all that, i am sorry if i scared you. Peace out.
--Greg
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READER FEEDBACK
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It was so offensive I pissed my pants - Jessie
Did you know I sold my ass on the black market for crack - Girl #112
These guys have way too much time on their hands! This letter is Hilarious! - Steven
Screw the 2nd coming of Jesus, this is way better! - NOT DON
Hilarious letter! Makes Walker Texas Ranger sound like a "famusa puta" with a "muy grande chucha." -ODOmeter Don's Newsletter # 3 TEXT ART TAKES TOO FUCKING LONG
D.U.A.
"The only news letter writen strictly on whims"
Don_news@hotmail.com
For the week of: november 10 - november 16
======== CHECK OUT THE OFFICIAL WEB SITE ========
If you're on the u of i network go to http://beast
- people actually go to it now
- seriously
- I'm not even joking
- Even those who aren't me, Don, or Andy
- Fuck you, I'm telling the truth.
- GO TO HELL, JUST GO TO HELL
===================================================
WANT TO PUT OUT A PERSONAL ADD?
-They're actually real people now
-Meet literally one's of people
-We don't mind horribly embellishing your looks
-Journalistic integrity is for pussies
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THE PAST WEEK THROUGH THE EYES OF DON
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WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?
by Don's lungs
Cough! What the hell was that dumbass? What just came down the trachea was totally not air. That wasn't even a gas. What is this anyway? It's a cookie isn't it? You know, after 18 yrs. of repetition, I would've thought that you'd have the whole "food down esophagus, air down trachea" thing nailed. Apparently I gave your stupid ass way too much credit. Obviously, cookie looks a little too similar to air for you. Perhaps nature needs to make a greater distinction than air being a transparent gas and cookie being an opaque and delicious solid. Now I'm gonna make you cough for 20 minutes because I don't have the capabilities to break down cookies. Yeah, that's right, you know what does? Uhh, the stomach. Yeah, it's got acids and other good stuff there. Nothing like that here, mostly just tiny air sacs. You should really try using the stomach for its purpose sometime, you may surprised when you swallow food and don't cough for 20 minutes. From now on keep your stanky-ass food out of my dominion, retard.
Keepin that damn woman in line
- By Confederate white trash guy
Yeehaw! Now I been a-hearin’ that some of yall been havin some difficulties keeping yer woman obedien… obideye… uhh… actin’ right. It’s no secret that these female types must be kept on a short leash. You can’t be havin that bitch interruptin NASCAR. You might miss a crash. Make sure that woman knows her place… serving you beers and spreadin em on yer command. Whachu gotta do is get good and liquored up, just like any old day. Then when she comes to you whinin about somethin real unimportant – like that goddamned court date – WHAM , wing that full beer can at the dingbat’s forehead. That oughta learn her to come to you with her petty womanly consarns. But remember, don’t wing none of that good stuff her way, send a Pabst at the bitch’s noggin. And another thing, the next time she starts bitchin’ like “Don’t beat Billy-Joe-Cletus…-Bob so bad!”, take a little time off B-J-C-B and let that woman feel the wrath of your free Marlboro belt (150 packs worth) as well. That’s fuckin right, that filthy slut can’t no way tell you when you can and can’t beat one of your many illegeytimu… elligitomi… not-in-wedlock chillun. If that retardud woman still cain’t undastand her place, your options are clear. Kick that dissrespectful, unworthy ho outta the sanctity of yer double-wide. At’ll show her where she belongs.
ALMOST ALL SITUATIONS ARE MADE BETTER BY BEER
- MR. COORS
Situation 1: Going to your girlfriends house for christmas break. Bring a twelve pack. They won't seem like scrutinous assholes if you can hardly stand up straight.
Situation 2: That girl you like hates you. Drink it up friend, hang out with your homies and make fun of the whor. You'll never actually have her in your life, but you'll definitely have ruined any chance you ever had. Drink more, sooner or later you'll stop caring
Situation 3: High voltages and alcohol are a great mix. You have millions of ohms of resistence in your body. Amps are your friend. Drink it up. Go for two amps, just two can't kill you. DO IT.
Situation 4: Girls are present. Get them drunk. Beer and teenagers equal nakedness. Happy drunkedness.
Situation 5: Andy is present. MAKE HIM DRINK. Those people that never get drunk are the funniest to see drunk.
Situation 6: Recovering abusive alcoholics are present. Give them a rum and coke (my favorite drink, by the way) and let the hillarity ensue. Don doesn't think I'm funny. But Stephanie does. Also, Stephanie spells her name wrong.
THINGS WE NEED TO BRING BACK
- MR. T
Electric football – I don’t care if the game had no realism and passing was damn near impossible, it still managed to be fun
Those disco shoes that had water and fish in the soles – come on, there’s a fish swimming around in your shoes, that’s pretty much universally cool
Free love – let’s face it, we’re not getting any, especially Andy
The phrase “keep on truckin” – nobody knows what the hell it means, but it’s a good way to switch it up from the much more bland “see ya later”
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – They kick ass. ‘nuff said. Plus they had a giant rat as their leader. They were teenage mutants and they were turtles… and ninjas, it doesn’t get any more whacked out than that. Mmm, pizza!
Nintendo games – Ah, the simplicity of it all. You don’t need a manual for these games. There’s two fucking buttons, press each, learning process done. And for those complicated games, try pressing both simultaneously. I swear you could teach a monkey, or even Scott for that matter, how to play these games.
= Scott's note = FUCK YEAH
Crystal Pepsi – It was a transparent fucking cola! Come on, it’s still hard to imagine that.
Light Brite – the best toy for little girls ever. (Don thinks that Stephanie is an idiot for writing that, but if he deletes it, she’s going to cut his Johnson off.) – and there you have it, Light Brite stays. – don
=Scott's note= what the fuck is light brite, sounds fucking gay to me
Oregon Trail for the Apple2e – There was no better way to waste time on your computer back in the day. Other than masturbation.
THINGS THAT NEED TO DIE
- JACK THE RIPPER
USHER - Have you seen that Twix comercial? DAMN IT, JUST DIE
THE FUCKING OLSON TWINS - We know you're are fucking twins. How's about you make twenty more movies about it. Oh, you look exactly alike, shit - you guys deserve to be movie stars. FUCK NO YOU DON'T. I don't give a shit if you can drive now. How is the parent trap six working out. I hope you both die. In fact you can both die while sucking a Elephant's cock. You WERE cute. Full house was a shitty show. Any two twins could have done just as good of a job. WHAT THE FUCK. you guys have a T.V. show, that's got to be a hit in the trailer parks. That's exactly where you two belong. In a trailer park. In Africa. While choking on an Elephant dick. Adam may think you're cute, but Adam will bone anything that walks on two legs. I know your dirty secret. Your parents sold their souls to satan for demonic money making twins. MAY THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELL YOU, compell you two bitches to hell. I don't give a shit if you two are twins, and sooner or later the rest of the world will catch up to my line of reasoning. So here is to your slow demise. This bud is for you.
2Pac - Oh shit someone beat me to it
Big E Smalls - oops too late
Eminem - It's your turn. Andy thinks your anger is fake, so much that you over-compensate by killing people in your songs that you don't even hate; but it's great for ratings. Die Kim Die, I fucked you, and you got pregnant - you're a bitch. Go to hell Eminem.
=editor's note= Scott actually likes Eminem, for the mom hating
SCOTT AND DON ARE A BETTER TEAM WHEN ONLY SCOTT IS DRUNK
- By a curious observor
Scott - Hey Don we should drink while doing the newsletter
Don - It looks like you already got a head start on me
S - Shut up and drink Don
D - but I don'...
S - FUCKING DO IT, BITCH
D - uh ... ok
S - Damn right
< a few beers and a tenth of rum later>
S - Alright let's get started, how's about top ten reasons not to do
homework
D - Yeah that sounds good, and I'm gay (note, Don doesn't ever actually
admit to being gay).
S - Ok how about this (great idea is mentioned).
D - HAHAHA Scott you are the funniest mother fucker alive, and I'm a
stupid idiot
S - That's true, do you have an idea
D - (blank stare) ... uh ... no
S - That's alright I've got a really good one (Awesome idea follows)
D - HAHAHAHA you are sooooo fucking funny, and I drink my own pee
S - Ok it's your turn
D - Uhhhhh ... I've got nothing
S - Of course you've got nothing, because you are a nothing. Your not
underappreciated, you're a fucking idiot
D - .... true ... true
S - That's it, only I will drink while making the newsletter from now
on. Kinda' like the first news letter
D - Yeah, that's probably a good idea, since the beer seems to shut up
the voice in my head that mentions the good ideas
S - Alcohol shuts up the voice in my head that foreworns of bad ideas,
so a barage of ideas just comes out
D - So it's agreed, you'll drink and I won't, and I love transexuals
S - Agreed
ATTENTION GETTING PHRASES
- By Carrot Top
All of these are to be said during awkward pauses (which I love so much) in order to divert attention to yourself. So all you attention whores listen' up. This section is for you. By Scott
"So there I was balls deep in this guy's ass ..."
"So now my mom won't let me shower alone anymore ..."
"Then I told my brother never to touch me there again ..."
"Why no, it turns out it won't fit up my ass"
"I've never bled through my asshole so much"
"The worst part is, now I'm my own step-father"
"She looked allot better when I was drunk, how was I to know it was a man"
"HOW AM I GOING TO GET THE GERBIL OUT!?"
"With your feet in the air, and your head on the clouds"
"So it turns out my fist wouldn't fit"
"Yeah, my ass never hurt so much"
"It turns out that your cousin is my uncle. I wish I would have known that before hand"
"Who else hates caucasions"
"I'd fuck that rodeo clown"
"Anyone want chlamydia"
Is your boss ignoring you? Have your parents forgotten completely about your existence. Well here at the D.N.L., we have some helpful phrases that will no doubt assist you in garnering that much-needed attention. By Don.
“Not all of you will still be alive in five minutes”
“Who here, besides me, has fucked my mom?”
“And as it turns out the yellow snow wasn’t half bad”
“I found it surprisingly easy to suffocate babies”
“And when the dust settled, the prairie dogs knew that I and I alone was their god”
“Trust me, don’t put a rotary sander up there”
“Many people have asked me about the difference between murder and destroying the demons infesting earth”
“So was anyone else at that AIDS awareness orgy last night?”
IT CAME FROM THE BATHROOM
- By Falc
It was a cold dark midnight on the third of November. Freezing wind was blowing in like the unwanted breath of Jack Frost. Something was amiss within our very air. A strange feel of unrest flowed through the air like a sharp gust. The winds of doom cut at me and Don as we gripped our respective covers for comfort from the inevitable tragedy. For weeks now a creature of unholy nature was groing in our shower. It's evil pressence was causing an unatural flow in the air. It's ok to avoid cleaning your shwoer for awhile, but not for a month. Furthermore, if you avoid cleaning it for three months expect growth ... unholy growth. While Don and I hid under our blankets the satanic creature formed into a monstrous evil that could only be realized by imagining your worst nightmare ... crossed with mildew. Don would have none of this fear. Fear to don was like an unwanted pimple (of which he'd dealt with many times), he just wouldn't let it be. Don leaped from his bed like a glorious savior, ready to protect his friend and abode from anything that might taint their sanctity. Then the thing killed Don and died itself. The End. IT'S A TRUE STORY GOD DAMN IT!
TURN YOUR FUCKING ALARM CLOCK OFF
- By Quale Man
Can you not hear that? Are you fucking deaf. Yeah, I'm refering to that constant beeping. The ear splitting one. BEEEEEP BEEEEP. Yeah that one. THE ONE THAT AMITS THAT FUCKING ANNOYING SOUND. BEEEEEP BEEEEP. How the fuck do you like it, and why do you have your homosexual alarm set for 7:00. Your fat ass doesn't even have a class then. Furthermore, your walrus sized midsection couldn't roll out of bed for a candy bar. HEY, MISTER TWO TON FAT ASS EITHER DON'T SET YOUR ALARM, OR GET THE FUCK UP! Here is a new rule for all you kids in college. If your roomate/suite mate isn't up after three minutes of their alarm going off, then you have a right to puch there oblivious ass in the stomach. THAT OUGHT TO WAKE YOU UP, ASSHOLE. It's official now, three minutes and then POW eat that bitch, wake the fuck up next time. Sorry, but it had to be said.
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THIS WEEK'S PERSONALS
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Give a shout out to one of these hotties at Don_news@hotmail.com
Faery loving girl looking for a smart muscular bundle of lovemaking. I don't bite often, but I'll bite whatever you want. I'm five six and looking for a seven incher (wink wink). Just as beautiful vertical as horizontal. I wear glasses but can find anything with my eyes shut. I SERIOUSLY WANT A RESPONSE. I'm hot like a fire and horny like a rabbit. Write back all you can't-get-any engineers, I'll be waiting for you (in bed (naked)). - (I should be greek)
Hi I'm in Kansas reading this newspaper and I would like to say to all the ladies, I'm a filthy half mexican and half german. This makes me one sexy mother fucking mexikraut. I have greasy hair and love my tequila, and please please please give me some loving. It's lonely at Ku and Don is my only link to a real college. PLEASE IDAHO WOMEN LOVE ME!!!!!!!!!! - The Kansas Jayhawk Mexikraut
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DON'S STOCK PICK
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GRACO INC (GGG)
One of things Graco specializes in is industrial lubricants. It's a lucrative business that could slide it's way into the top ten. In tight situations it should slip past the competition in order to penetrate a much anticipated yield. Will climax as certain acts become more accepted. This feel good company will impress you for years to cum (AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH ... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH ... he hehe heh heh .. WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH heh heh holy hell that hurt). All innuendos aside, this is a helpful stock which will help you access your goals. That's it for today, happy exchanging everyone. HAHA I've made another funny.
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QUOTE OF THE WEEK
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"I'd imagine, if someone was alergic to water ... they'd have problems" -Don (the asshole)
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DON'S MAGIC HOROSCOPES
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Aries: (March 21—April 19)
You will save the world from dangerous landmines. Not only that, but in your fastest intermediate time ever. Way to go!
Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
You'll stumble upon some bad tequila ... oh wait. ALl tequila is bad. Leave the dirt tasting liquid to the homeless. On a sidenote, homeless people are scary.
Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
Your dreams won't come true. Jiminy Cricket is a fucking liar. Spend the remainder of your days drink your worries away, and squashing crickets.
Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
You'll finally meet that special someone. Unfortunately, it's that special ed someone. But it's not all bad, as weding a retard entitles you for social security. A word to the wise - you don't actually have to have sex with them, just tell them sex is when you share a soda.
Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
Your love for T.V. sitcoms will take an all new low when you start watching Will and Grace. Kill yourself now, and spare yourself the pain.
Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
You'll come to the realization that eating meat is the same thing as eating people. You will also become a canabalistic serial killer. On a safety side note, where a bib - you don't know where people have been.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
You do actually need to shower. That smell in your room isn't the fridge; and once a week won't get rid of the stench.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
You will be deeply sadened by the untimely death of a close friend. You really shouldn't have double-dog-dared him to drink six gallons of ocean water.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
Happiness comes in odd forms. Unfortunately, for you, happiness comes in the form of gay porn. Don't let your roomate find out. You'll both be the better for it. =editors note= your not alone
Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
Always consider consequences before actions. Checking why that bunk above you is always shaking may deeply and emotional scar you as well. Somethings are best left unknown.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
In a dream you are visited by God. It turns out, that it's all one big joke. You never sleep again, or at least never pass out again while on acid. THAT AIN'T FUNNY GOD!
Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
This week doesn't look so good for finding that special someone either. You might as well give up hope. Masterbation isn't all that bad ... at least for you. If nothing else, you can always pay for sex; or hit on that fat girl no one else talks to.
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WHAT TO DO, WITH DON
write in with your own question
Don_news@hotmail.com
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Q - Hey don, why do we drive on parkways, but we park in driveways?
- Hoajak
A - The same reason I say fuck you, but don't actually want to. Also, the confusion is just another example of why America sucks. GOD DAMN IDIOTS CAN'T YOU TELL THE DIFFERENCE. FUCKING FOUNDING FATHERS. I HOPE YOU'RE ALL BURNING IN HELL.
Q - Dude, have you showered this week - Scott
A - Ahhhhh ... yeah.
Q - O' wise man shit eater (Don) dose shit taste like vanilla?
-Not quite Scott - little bro
A - Shit is like an orgasm in your mouth. I strongly urge you to try as much shit, in as many varieties (bird, dog, and your own), as possible. You will soon become a fecal gourmet. Walrus dung does taste like vanilla, I think it's from all the penguins they eat.
Q - Don you shouldn't eat deoderant, it goes under your armpits - Scott
A - You say tomAto, I say tomato. Now take me to the hospital.
Q - What is the meaning of life. -not scott
A - CHRIST! That's a tough one. I'm not quite sure, but I think it's got something to do with potatoes - or maybe just alcohol.
Q - What's better than a cookie?
A - NOT A DAMN THING. True ... true.
Q - Dude, seriously have you taken a shower this FUCKING WEEK! - Scott
A - NEXT QUESTION!
Q - What's blink 182's all the small things about? - Pop punk 4 lifer
A - It's about your miniscule cock (THE ULTIMATE ZING).
Q - What kicks some serious ass and is on at eleven on sunday?
-ATHF member
A - THE MOTHA FUCKING AQUA TEENS, BITCH. LIKE A MOTHER FUCKING SNOTTCH THE SNOOGINS COCK SMOKER. Best watch it ... and best be down with it.
Q - I'm just not sure, is there a such thing as love. -Acme_kid#165
A - For others yes, not so much for you though. Just play your D&D and be happy. =note to our D&D readers= we hold no grudges toward what people decide to do with there time, even if it involves masterbation... especially if it involves masterbation :-).
Q - What do you think about the space time continuum? - Jack_ass#69
A - I'm not FUCKING steven hawking, I care about four things. Booze, boobs, bed, and booze.
Q - How do you feel about masterbation - not Scott
A - I feel allot when I masterbate.
Q - ARE YOU EVER GOING TO SHOWER, IT FUCKING STINKS IN HERE! - Scott
A - How about I piss in your eye when you're sleeping?
Q - What is the big problem with being evil? - Chris
A - Your minions always fuck shit up, because they're not as smart as you. - also Chris
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POINT COUNTER-POINT
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IF I HAD TWO MINUTES TO LIVE, I'D MASTURBATE
AHHH A BOMB IS COMING DOWN. WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE. Shit... there are allot of people here. OH well. <ziiiippp>. Might as well, they can just think less of me in the after life. It's my last two minutes, and I'm going to use them to the full extent. WHY THE FUCK WOULDN'T YOU!? TWO GOD DAMN AND RESURECTED MINUTES LEFT. Pleasure, or no pleasure. I don't even care if your mom is in the room. I don't fucking care if my mom is in the room. It's gonna happen, and I'm gonna enjoy it. Look down on me if you want, but I'm making the most of my two minutes. I sure hope two minutes is enought though. Maybe I'll think of gay .... uh ... hardcore heterosexual porn. Shit yeah, nothing like a guy and gu...irl going at it. You'd do it too ... just admit it. Don wouldn't, but that's because he can't get it up anyway. Too bad for him (fucking flaming cactus loving ass rammer). Just joking, I love Don ... in a viking sort of way.
TWO MINUTES! I'D TELL MY TRUE FEELINGS.
Yeah, well maybe I wouldn't masturbate (but I can get it up... usually... a fair amount of the time... uh... SHUTUP SCOTT!) like that sick fuck Scott. So what? I'd have a great time telling people how I really feel about them. People like Scott, for instance. Hey Scott, I really do care that you leave your fucking dirty laundry all over our floor. And I've seen you eat those boogers you disgusting slob. I'd try and ruin Scott's fantasy while he's jerkin it in the last 2 minutes too. 'Hey, Scott... that's it? that's all the lord endowed you with? wow. I'm amazed. Well, at least you'll die making all these other men feel better about their manhood.... Hey Scott... Don't choke!... Whatcha thinkin bout there? Now I know it ain't girls (yeah, i've stumbled upon your gay porn collection once or twice.... I mean once, just once!)' Yeah I'd be heckling his faggot ass until our last seconds. I'd be some sort of hero to cockblocks around the world. Scott would be known in the afterlife as the guy who went to hell and didn't even get the climax in return. And one more thing (a little poetry corner) : The olsen twins can die,
With Scott's splooj in their eye.
As the time passes by.
You'll let out a sigh
You'll be like a pie
For that penis of my
Go tell hell Olsen twins
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DON'S HOW TO BE A PLAYA' (PLAYER)
(Don at the gym)
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Don's pumpin' the iz-iron and his muscles be all bulgin'. He goes to the gym in order to pick up the honeyz and lure them in with his bulgin muscles. You know, so they can work on his other bulge. DON FUCKS UP ALREADY, he doesn't have a card, and even tries to put the moves on the receptionist, but she's a bitch and sends him packin. Sheeit, ya'll know her manager wasn't watchin. Don decided to show his fly-ass pimp skills on the tread-mill in order to impress this sweet ass trainer beotch. But his flabby ass went flying and that was strike number two for the pimp-not-er. So then Don set his sights on a half naked hotty and asked her sweet ass to spot for him. He got her digits by having her spot for him, then saying there was way too much weight and mentioning that she saved his life by not letting him lift it. Smooth, pimp, smooth. Don went to hottie number two on his list, who was a fellow ganja lover - and you knooooow he got that fly bitches number. Don sat in on a Yoga lesson and saw this massively beautiful lady doing some mad flexible shit - and you know he gots her number too (a little clutch pimpery). Don took girl number two out for dinner and a fucking hot tub yo. However, there were fat bastards in the tub and Don went home a blue balled pimper-ain'ter. Today wan't the dis-Don's day, but yous knows that DOn will be rockin' the ladies next week. Till then, this is the jedi pimpmaster Don himself sayin', LAAAATE.
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DON'S RECOMMENDED
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Beer - it makes life seem better
girls - though I can't get any
Showers - they keep people from stinking, and girls near
Deoderant - tasty
Soap Scum - create your own friendly shower monster
Vibrating uincorns - a better sex toy has yet to be invented
Cartoons - You're a nerd, and caroons are funny, get off your high horse
Lungs - they keep me breathing
Dorms - Fun people reside within
Oatmeal raisin cookies - That's what dady's talking about
Sleeping - There is no better activity
Dead baby jokes - offensive and funny!
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DON'S ANTI-RECOMMENDED
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Shouting - I can FUCKING HEAR YOU
Leaving you alarm clock on - grrrrr....
Dorms - your suite mate might leave his alarm clock on
Broken inermonolouges - Shit now they all know I hate them
White chocalate - ehhh let's make a terrible type of chocalate to
compliment the two good kinds
Not writing in to D.N.L. - You know you want to.
Not sleeping - Sleeping kicks the crap out of not sleeping
Wedgies - they hurt, please stop doing that
Inhaling cookies - They don't belong there
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READER POLL =OLD=
Give a holler to Don_news@hotmail.com
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Frodo is now officially Odo's #1 nickname
- thanks to Jake for that one
Thanks to Odo, for being so fucking cool
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READER POLL =FRESH AS A DAISY=
Give a holla to Don_news@hotmail.com
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We are looking for the best summary their experience at Bob's restuarant in Wallace.
How much do you hate it. Or like it ... I guess. Keep it to one line, the winner gets a hug from Don (assuming you live in Moscow), and a picture drawn by scott in Microsoft paint.
Good luck, and happy Bob's hating.
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ANDY'S PICK UP LINES
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Nice shoes want to fuck?
Your clothes would look better on the floor.
You know what would look good on you? Me.
Is that your hand in my pocket?
Is that a gun in my pocket, or am I just happy to see you?
If you were a skittle you'd be the flavor of love.
If you were a candy, you'd be my sugger daddy. I MEAN MAMA. MAMA. Cause I'm not gay.
If you were a beer you'd be one with a wide mouth.
I love to poker. Do you you want to play the part of 'r'. HAHAH. That sucked.
Do you like Rancid. I do.
If you where gay, you'd be fucking Elton John!
I think of you when I masturbate.
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TOP TEN
THIS WEEK: REASONS NOT TO DO HOMEWORK
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10 - You just woke up from a nap, and it's time to sleep again
9 - Integrals hat you, your pillow loves you
8 - God ordained it so
7 - You don't believe in god, but still hate homework
6 - Aqua Teens Hunger Force is on, and yous knows that it's the shit
5 - Masterbation
4 - I don't wanna
3 - Kangaroos have two vaginas. It's true.
2 - Siting on street corners is highly underated
1 - Fun or not fun? It's not a tough decision
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TECHNOLOGY HATES YOU
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Scott vs. Microsoft Word
<click, click>. (waiting, waiting). <click, click>. (waiting, waiting more). GOD DAMN IT FUCKING OPEN! <click, click, click, click, click,click, click,click, click,click, click,click, click,>. YOU FUCKING YETI WHOR JUST OPEN! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING. ARE YOU FUCKING DIGITALLY MASTURBATING (masturbation is my theme for this news letter). WHY THE HELL ARE YOU TAKING SO LONG. IT'S A REALLY EASY CONCEPT, I DOUBLE CLICK AND YOU GOD DAMN SERMON ON THE MOUNT OPEN! (WHAT THE FLAMING SHIT). (NO, I DON'T WANT SIXTEEN MICROSOFT WORDS TO OPEN). GO AWAY! (WHAT IS THIS BLUE SCREEN). No, more virtual memory. I HAVE LIKE A GIGABYTES WORTH. DAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMNNNNNNN IIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTT. FINE. FUCK YOU. NEVER FUCKING MIND. See you in hell Microsoft Word!
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GREG'S MATH CORNER
E-mail Don_news@hotmail.com with your own questions
-edited for mature content-
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Because you know math is sexy
I've got a math test wooooohh. I'm too good for Greg's math corner. I never get lower than an A on a test. Woooohhh I'm a pansy who loves differential equation. Gregs math corner won't be included this week. We here at Don's news letter appoligize for the inconvenience (all two of us). Feel free to write in with your own questions for Greg, though. Maybe if your lucky he won't diss us all by disrespecting our news letter with his holy sleep time. But don't hold your breath. Peace out.
--Scott
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READER FEEDBACK
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Readers have said of the "don is underappreciated newsletter"
"Profound, brilliant, and undescribably orgasmic"
-Engineering Hall Resident Assistant
"I'd rather read Don's new letter than masterbate, and that's saying allot." - Horny_loser
"Someone is horny ... and it's me!" - Not Andy
"I'm not very funny, but don is, and he's sexy" - Stephinfgwh |
